It’s Not All In Your Head
It was the third week of my Freshman year of college, on that particular September morning in 2014, I woke up my life would never be the same. Shortness of breath, chest tightness, and an overall air-hunger plagued my body — I had never experienced something so restricting. To the doctor I went, and to another, and another, and dozens more (over the course of several months and moving home for a semester to see specialists). Ashtma, no. A virus, no. Lung issues, no. You name it, I tried it. You name it, I was tested for it. I was a freaking wreck! In order to give Western Medicine a full chance and to rule out anything life-threatening, I did all of the testing they suggested and tried various medications, none of which worked. There were no answers for me other than, “it’s all in your head”, “you created this”, and “it’s anxiety”. Yep, sure, I just decided to create a living hell for myself, that is exactlyyyyy what I wanted. No! They got it all wrong. What a cop out it was. Besides physically feeling terrible (like I was suffocating), I also felt extremely misunderstood and frustrated. Cue my journey for deeper self-healing.
One of my gifts is being an extremely intuitive human, in fact, we all have this ability, but getting in tune with it is key. Since I was so intuitive and really “trusted my gut”, I knew something else was up. This little voice inside of me propelled me towards various healing modalities. If the folks in white lab coats couldn’t help me, then I was going to heal myself. I loved life so much and was so excited for my future, but when I felt so terrible every day, I truly did not want to go on with my life; I wouldn’t give up, but I hated living feeling the way I did. Looking back, I really don’t know how I made it through it!
It took me several years to truly get to the bottom of what was going on with myself. I managed to go back to campus in fall of my Sophomore year. I remember having a conversation with myself saying “do you want this to make the decisions for your life or do you want to make the decisions for your life? You worked so hard to get here, you must not give up” That leap of faith is one of the proudest moments of my life. I felt safer being home and was able to relax more and be waited on by my mom (which feels good when you’re unwell), but I also wanted to grow up and create the life I had been dreaming about. I would not let this stupid mystery illness win. I managed to make it through college having great grades, a good social life, and work an internship every summer. I was silently suffering, but life had to go on. I think one of my coping mechanisms became busying myself so extremely that I wouldn’t have time to think about how bad I felt, although it’s hard to not think about your breath, your source.
Each week I slowly improved by trying various holistic health modalities and reclaiming my power. I was gluten-free since 16, but ended up cutting out dairy and red meat as well, I increased my fruits and veggies, and I started exercising which also became my greatest trigger because it would challenge my breathing—this challenge allowed me to trust my body more though, because each time I lived through the suffering. Over the course of those 3.5 years I tried acupuncture, chiropractic, Rolfing, yoga, energy medicine, worked with two mediums, did hypnosis, worked with a therapist, did breath work, and many other techniques. Little did I know, these years of suffering and trying different modalities would become amazing research for the career I now have. The biggest changes occurred when I incorporated more detox protocols into my lifestyle, got rid of all toxic products, got my mindset right, focused more on using food as medicine and started juicing daily. All of the outside modalities helped me as well—these last few things I mentioned just ended up creating the most sustainable results. This is just what worked for me. Holistic healing is not a one-size-fits-all approach, at least my approach isn’t.
The best present I ever received was Christmas 2017 (my Senior year), when I finally felt like I could breathe normally again. Following that, I kept getting better and better. Thanks to my non-toxic lifestyle and daily rituals of juicing, using food as medicine, and accepting what I went through, I was able to heal. You can, too. My struggle was my metamorphosis; I found my calling—to become a Holistic Health and Nutrition Coach—and a have a new appreciation for my life and my breath. If you’ve ever been told it’s all in your head, it’s not. Listen to your gut. I’m here for ya.
P.S. I was able to put all of the pieces of my mystery illness together—I had a toxic mold exposure which caused a mold illness.
In my Freshman year Drawing class, we had to create portraits with a prop. I decided to put this white piece of paper with an outline in front of me. Reflecting on this portrait ~6 years later, I find this to be extremely poetic. This was the sickest I ever was and I was not happy in my body. I didn’t even want to look at myself. I am so glad I healed myself and now am filled with joy and confidence. To whomever needs this: remember, “even on the darkest night, the sun must rise again.”